


The Ghost of You is Close to Me

by Pollarize



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Blood, Cemetery, Death, Fluff, Happy Days - Freeform, I AM SORRY, I FORGOT A HUGE PART, M/M, Minor Character Death, Please Love me, Stars, Suicidal Thoughts, also random song quotes, because thats the only reason you write bands into fanfiction, but i promise it wont focus on that at all, cute stars, i am satan, im sorry again, is to use their quotes to your advantage, it will be cute, its really not that bad, see - Freeform, so im d oing it, there is self harm, there will also be a suicide, there will be fluff okay, these dont all happen at once
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-04
Updated: 2015-11-07
Packaged: 2018-04-24 16:53:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4927570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pollarize/pseuds/Pollarize
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh learns not to mess around in a cemetery</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. \\

**Author's Note:**

> A giant thanks to my friend for helping to sort out details of the story. I know it seems bland off the summary and this beginning is kinda out of nowhere but please stick with it, it'll become the Devil's spawn. I hate myself for this!!!

Tyler looked up at the stars, the cold air encompassing him and chilling him to the bone. The cold though, was the least of his worries.

He pulled two bottles out of his pocket, the pills inside them rattling together, a noise that made his heart race. His hand shook as he unscrewed the top off of one, which fell to the side and rolled down the roof, landing somewhere beyond his attention. He tipped out a handful of pills, the small white mountain staring up at him, a menacing enemy that sought out nothing now but to end the steady beating of Tyler’s heart. He stared back at them, wondering if this was what he needed, if the end of him as a person was what was best.

His thoughts dragged him to school, to the people there who have brought him down. Relentless bullying for as long as he could remember. They targeted his already established self-hate, let him know that his appearance, his existence, was just a mistake. By now he felt it down to his very core, felt it deep enough that it pushed him here, to the pills that lay in his palm, waiting for his final decision.

Tyler closed his fist around them for a moment, his eyes squeezing shut as he brought them to his mouth. He’d felt this pull towards the pills for so long that it seemed a little dream-like. To have it here, the end in sight, almost touchable. He could do it, he would do it. He smiled for a moment, realizing that for the last time, this was it.

Tyler paused when he heard a shout downstairs, his mother yelling about something to his father. It sounded almost hysterical but happy at the same time. Tyler felt his breath leave his chest and his heart sink because he knew that he had to make sure she was okay. He set the half empty pill bottle down and stood up, slinking back in through his window and across his room.

“Mom?” He called through the house, finding her in the living room wrapped around his father. The first thing Tyler noticed was the few tear tracks that marked his father's cheeks.

“Dad?” Tyler asked again, his voice shaking. Tyler’s hand squeezed around the pills, his anxiety making it hard to get any air into his lungs.

“She’s pregnant,” his dad whispered, his voice holding many emotions at once.

Tyler was taken aback, the words taking a moment to sink in before he realized that there would be another person in this house, another life waiting for experiences, for love, for support, it made the pills in his hand burn. Tyler smiled at his parents, wondering how sincere it looked.

“That’ll be nice,” he whispered, thinking of the things he could teach them, the conversations they could have. Tyler smiled one more time, this smile feeling brighter, feeling a little less hopeless before he turned to leave the room.

He found himself in front of the kitchen sink, the closest thing that he could dispose of things with. He opened his hand over the drain and listened to the clatter as they scattered around the metal surface. Tyler turned the tap on and watched as the water swirled around the white pills, taking them down the drain and gone forever.

Later that night Tyler snuck down with the rest of the pills and did the same thing. When he was done he gave the sink a small smile and felt the tightness around his heart loosen for just a moment. This kid was something to look forward to, a bright light in the sea of black that he’d been pushed into. It was a rope to get him out of the hole he’d helped dig and Tyler wanted nothing but to grab ahold and be taken away, so he did.

~~~

It had been nine months and Tyler was rushed to the hospital in his dad's car. His mother groaned in the front seat and complained about the pain but the only thing Tyler could process was that she would be here in just a couple of hours. The one thing that had kept him motivated was almost here. Tyler felt like he was choking on his happiness.

He sat in the waiting room not-so patiently, jumping up every time a nurse walked close by. He didn’t stop until one finally gestured for him and showed him towards the back where his mother lay in bed, her tired features all lit up with a smile. Tyler approached the bed and stared down at the small face surrounded by blankets. His mother handed the little bundle to Tyler, letting him cradle the kid against his chest.

“Her name is Olivia,” his mother said quietly. Tyler smiled, looking down at her as he leaned down to kiss her forehead ever so gently.

“Nice to meet you, Ollie,” he said quietly, letting the feeling of the warmth wash over him.

Tyler realized that the warmth was happiness.

~~~

Olivia was turning four that day.

Tyler wanted to get an amazing gift for her, wanted it to be something that she’d smile over for years. He wanted that because that’s what she did for him.

He was happy again. He’d gone through hell in school and had been pushed to a place that scared him. But he’d found his sister, found a way to live each day for her and to keep going.

So he saved all his money and went out to buy her a bike. His parents laughed when he presented the idea, told him that they didn’t have the time to teach her. He offered his own time instead.

She had squealed when she saw it, wrapping herself around Tyler in a hug. He laughed quietly and returned it.

“Anything for you, Ollie,” Tyler whispered into her hair.

Tyler took her out the next day and helped her get started, adjusting the strap on her helmet to make sure it fit okay.

“Okay, we’re gonna start slow okay, put your feet here,” he explained, holding the bike steady as she climbed on, “There are training wheels on here so you can’t fall over, I promise.”

Olivia smiled wider, situating herself on the bike. She started to pedal slowly, gaining confidence. Tyler smiled as he watched her ride around on the street, the excitement on her face lifted his spirits more than he could have imagined.

Tyler saw the pothole before Olivia did, saw the wheel catch and the bike tip, her weight shifting just enough that it sent her to the ground. Tyler ran over to where she laid crying and worriedly looked her over. She had a scrape on her knee that wasn’t major but she thought it waspjds.

“Ty,” she called as tears streamed down her face, her hands reaching up to him, begging to be carried, “it’s bleeding.”

Tyler smiled and scooped her up, holding her tight to his chest. She clung to him until they got to a bathroom, where he pried her arms off of him.

“I just gotta clean you up,” Tyler said quietly, digging through the first aid kit for some ointment and bandaids. He applied both as carefully as he could, looking up at her apologetically every time she winced.   
  
“All better,” Tyler said with a smile, his smile falling when he noticed her pout.

“You gotta kiss it,” she mumbled, her bottom lip sticking out further. Tyler sighed and leaned down to press a soft kiss to her knee.

“Does your boo-boo feel better?” He asked, smiling when she nodded enthusiastically, “I’ll go get your bike and put it in the garage.”

Tyler backed away from her and tried his hardest not to let his smile fall. His anxieties of this being a bad gift almost hurt him, he’d wanted so badly to be able to share something with her and it had gone so wrong so fast.

“Ty?” Olivia asked quietly before Tyler left the room, “I wanna try again.”

Tyler smiled and nodded, walking over and picking her up again.

“Yeah, okay, we’ll just be careful of the holes this time?” He asked and she nodded.

Olivia nuzzled into him, her arms wrapping around his neck. She smiled as she clung to him, pleased with herself that she knew she had made her brother happy.

Tyler brought her outside, fretting over her for a minute, double checking and triple checking that she was sure she wanted to try again today. Olivia laughed and pushed away his worried hands.

“My knee is all better now, Ty, I’ll be okay,” she said and Tyler nodded. He backed away and let her ride, smiling as she moved around the hole that got her last time. She squealed when she got going faster, her movements shaky as she tried to find out how to control the bike better. Tyler worried for a moment that she’d crash again but when she didn’t he forced himself to relax, taking a couple steps back and sitting down on the curb.

Olivia had never looked happier, her smile so wide that Tyler could feel his cheeks ache for her.

Tires squealed on the pavement and the smell of burned rubber quickly rose into the air. A car engine revved too hard and the tires fought to keep up as the car jolted forward. It drew Tyler’s attention, the speed far too high for a residential street. Tyler knew from the moment he first looked that things had gone bad quickly but his brain didn’t quite register or his nerves didn’t quite process. He sat on the curb still, his hands folded in his lap as he watched, shocked and numb.

The bike crunched first, the training wheels snapped off, pieces of the bike flying into the air. The next sound Tyler heard was muted, the screech of metal on metal dying down. He heard the thud of something softer, something that reminded him of home.

There wasn’t even time for a scream before the car was gone and Olivia was laying on the cement with her limbs twisted in directions that looked painfully wrong.

Tyler’s mind couldn't catch up, the numbness setting in fully, the gears in his head freezing. He went into autopilot, standing quietly and walking over towards the mess that still had the same face as his baby sister. He scooped her up, carrying her into the house in the same way that he did when she was first born. He could feel wet on his hands, could see the red that stained her clothes and her skin, could see the way her legs and arms lolled with every step that he took.

His mother was on the couch watching TV, laughing along to some show that had happy characters dancing around the screen. She never noticed as Tyler walked, slow and methodically, mechanical. He came to stand in front of her, his mother's eyes shifting to what stood before her.

Tyler could feel his knees give out, could hear the impact his knees made with the ground, yet he felt no pain.

Tyler’s mother gave a scream, her hands covering her mouth, eyes welling up with tears quickly as she watched her son lay her daughter on the ground. Tyler sat back on his heels, staring down at Olivia, the scratches that marred her face.

Everything seemed distant, the sobs that sounded above him, the TV behind him was muffled, but worst of all everything had a tint to it that made it seem as though the color drained from everything.

Time passed differntly now. Somewhere in Tyler’s daze his mother got ahold of herself enough to dial her husband's number. Somewhere in this mess, Tyler’s father came in and swept Olivia’s body away, leaving nothing behind except the blood that stained the carpet that was beneath her. It wasn’t until then that Tyler realized how bad his hands shook, clenching his fist was deemed useless when that only made the shaking grow stronger. The feeling of dried blood on his hands made him want to scream. That was the first moment that he felt like he had some control over what direction he walked.

He made it to the kitchen, turning on the faucet and scrubbing away the blood that stuck to his skin. He continued to scrub until his skin was red and sore. The blood was long gone, down the drain and washed away from his hands forever but that couldn’t take away the feeling of it. No amount of soap or scrubbing took away the slimy feeling it had. The feeling that crept under his skin and made itself at home in his bones and his mind.

Tyler stared as the water poured down over his hands, his stomach turning violently and bile rising. He barely had enough time to move his hands away before he found himself bent over the sink with what was left of lunch to make its way down the drain.

Tyler backed away from the sink and sank down slowly to the cold tile floor, resting his cheek against it. He dragged his knees into his chest and laid there for what seemed like five minutes, but could have been five hours.

His hands stopped shaking at some point in the night, but with that came the lead feeling of depression. It was something that struck him so hard and fast that he couldn’t breathe, his stomach turning again as he jumped up and waited for the bile to rise once again.

  
He waited, staring down at the drain. For the first time in the last four years, Tyler wished that the pills he’d washed down that drain could make their way back into his hands.


	2. //

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The tale of Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took me so long to get here, it wasn't even that long, whatever.

Three years had passed since the accident and Tyler found himself at his little sister’s grave. He sat with his legs crossed, his fingers pulling up strands of grass, anxiety getting the better of him until he felt the incessant need to keep his hands busy.

It was Olivia’s birthday and Tyler felt guilty for not coming to check up earlier in the day. He had had work that day, keeping him into the night later than he’d planned. It was dark and cold but he couldn’t forget about her on this day. He’d made it a habit of visiting her on special occasions, no matter how cold or late it was.

Tyler reached out and traced his fingers over her name that was etched onto the tombstone, sighing quietly as he let his hand drop back down to the grass.

“Work was killer today. I got mauled by one of the cats at the humane society. She didn’t really want to be held but that's how things go, ya know? It was a lot of hard work after that, too,” Tyler explained, smiling as he thought about some of the animals there.

“Did you know Spooky got adopted? Poor guy has been there for the last six months and nobody wanted to take him home. A couple finally fell in love with him and took him home, I was pretty happy about that.”

Tyler sat in silence for a moment, trying to think of what else he needed to catch her up on. He came up empty so he decided to move along to what he really came here for. Tyler reached around behind him and felt around for her present, his hands never finding it he turned to look and realized with a sinking heart that he’d forgotten to bring it along with him.

“Sh-, dang, Ollie, I’m so sorry, let me run home real fast,” Tyler said as he jumped to his feet and ran out of the cemetery, berating himself internally for being so stupid as to forget.

Tyler stepped into his house and grabbed his coat from the closet, throwing it on and zipping it up to try and preserve what was left of his body heat. He grabbed Olivia’s present after that and ran back towards the cemetery. He started towards his sister’s grave and stopped half way there when he saw people standing in front of her tombstone. He smiled for a moment, happy because someone else remembered her birthday. His smile fell when he saw that there wasn’t anything in their hands except a can of spray paint.

Tyler watched as they tagged her grave, a couple of them laughing boisterously, high fiving and moving onto the next. Tyler felt his blood boil, his anger rising faster than he could’ve imagined. He wanted so badly to hurt these guys, to show them how wrong they were for what they were doing. The only downside to that was that Tyler was small. In height but also in build. The guys who were tagging were obviously muscular, their jackets straining around biceps. Tyler knew right then that there was no way he could take on those guys in any sort of fight without getting himself hurt.

Tyler pressed himself against the statue closest to him. It was really a morbid sight, even for a cemetery. It was a tall metal grim reaper, his scythe splayed out in front of him, the hood pulled over his head to leave him faceless.

Tyler watched the scene in front of him, his mind twisting as he tried to find something to do to be able to get back at them.

The five boys began to walk towards Tyler but gave no indication that they saw him. Tyler wasn’t quite about to let them find him either.

Tyler looked over himself, his black jeans and his black hoodie, coincidentally it had been his skeleton hoodie that he had grabbed. He smiled as a plan began to form in his mind.

The hoodie zipped up over his head, covering every feature recognizable. He was obscured by the dark night, leaving only the white bones to glow under the moonlight.

The voices grew louder and he realized that this was his only shot to get back at them for what they’d done to his sister. Tyler scrambled up onto the scythe, crouching down over himself to hide the majority of the bones. He blended in enough with the night sky to be invisible, for once his small figure was the biggest advantage that he had.

A couple of the boys were about to pass in front of him and Tyler pushed away from the statue, his feet landing just a foot in front of the closest boy. The action drew the attention of all the boys immediately, all five of them frozen as they watched the figure in front of them. Tyler cocked his head to the side, far enough that it began to hurt. The pain though was worth it for the jaws that dropped, the nervous jittery movements of the boys.

“Shit, dude, we need to leave okay, please,” one guy in the back said, his voice was panicked and scared. A couple other voices popped up in agreement but no one made an effort to move, all eyes trained on Tyler.

“What the fuck is that,” the closest guy asked, tentatively reaching a hand up.

“It’s the bones of The Grim Reaper,” the guy in the back said.

The guy in the front moved his hand closer, an obvious movement to touch and Tyler knew he’d be caught the moment there was contact.

Tyler did the only thing he knew how to do and screamed.

It was a scream that demanded attention. It was enough to chill you to the core, something that others could describe as blood-curdling. It had the effect he wanted on the boys, a couple of them jumped in place before they ran from the cemetery. Most of them were yelling profanity all the way back to their car, tripping over their own feet in a mad dash to get away from the skeleton man.

They were gone quicker than they had come, leaving Tyler in the silence of his own presence, the only movement was the leaves on the treetops and his own breath.

Sirens sounded in the distance and Tyler nodded, taking that as his cue to turn and run from the cemetery. He hopped fences as he went, disappearing from sight and far enough away that the cops would never find him lurking in the dark. He heard a couple of the cops mumbling about idiot kids on drugs, laughing over the thought of a skeleton jumping from the statue.

~~~

The next day at school Tyler walked through the hallways, hands in his pockets as he kept to himself. He stood in the lunch line, trying his hardest not to eavesdrop. He found it impossible not to when he heard them talking about the previous night.

“Fuck, dude, we aren’t crazy, that shit was real,” one guy said, his eyes wide as he talked about the events that he witnessed, a couple other guys that stood with him, nodding along.

“What even was it?” Another guy asked, his voice giving a small tremor before another guy punched him.

“What the fuck, Evan, you’re afraid of some punk ass kid who gets kicks by hanging out in a cemetery?”

The guy, Evan, held his hands up in defense, his mouth opening and closing a few times before one of his other friends stepped in a defended him.

“You didn’t hear that scream, it wasn’t even human.”

The conversation died after that.

~~~

Throughout the day Tyler heard different versions of the same story. Not even twenty-four hours had passed and people were already talking about Tyler. They didn’t call him by his name though, they liked to call him Death.

It gave Tyler a sense of pride knowing that he was frightening kids in his school without much effort. A lot of kids refused to listen, getting up and walking away at the mere thought of Death being in this town. Really though, it was all laughable.

Tyler never would have assumed that people in his school were this stupid.

~~~

That night Tyler pulled on his hoodie and zipped it up, walking out into the cemetery and climbing up to sit on the statue's shoulders.

He knew that after the talk of school there would be people that came to see for themselves. They walked by and pointed, a couple of them screamed and ran the other way. Tyler sat as still as he could, keeping any movements to a minimum.

There were two who got brave and stepped into the cemetery, walking closer to Tyler. He felt his anxiety rise.

Tyler knew that if they caught him and found out who he was school would be worse than when he was a kid. He knew that any chance he had at making it out of college would be shot down in an instant. So very quickly he’d be labelled as the town’s freak.

The kids got close enough that they could pay attention to details. One guy pointed up at Tyler.

“Look how fake it is,” he said, stepping closer to the statue. Tyler cocked his head to the side in the same way he did the night before and the kids froze.

“Yeah, dude, fake, it’s probably just a robot,” the other said though his voice lacked the confidence that he was trying to present. Tyler hopped down then, landing solidly, his head tilting to the side again as he took a step towards them. Just as the night before they booked it out of the cemetery, both boys yelled as they ran, the rest of the on-lookers all decided that it would be a good time to leave as well.

Tyler stuck around for a little while later, hopping off the statue and running out as fast as he could when he heard the sirens again.

~~~

More rumors were spread the next day, the two boys were telling anyone and everyone about how disturbing Death was. Everyone talked about the way he was eerily silent, that his neck had to have been broken, there was no way that anyone, not even Death itself could bend that way without having been injured.

As the day went on the story had been spun many times. People mentioned that Death had reached out for the boys, ‘I was almost a goner! I swear it on my life!’

~~~

The next couple of nights Tyler showed up and followed the same routine. He zipped up his hoodie and sat atop of the statue, letting the cold wind chill him.

For a while he wondered why he was even doing this. He didn’t exactly get his kicks out of scaring people, that wasn’t his thing. There was a deeper reason though.

As Tyler sat there he’d look over his shoulder to where his sisters tombstone sat, he’d smile briefly and nod to it before turning back and watching the main entrance. Tyler knew that kids were idiots, that more would try to mess with Death and with the cemetery, that others would come like they did on the first night and vandalize the tombstones of loved ones.

Tyler remembered his anger, the pain he felt after as he thought of the sweet four year old that was buried there. He thought of how people could do that to someone who had never done a single wrong in her life and it still burned in his core. It still lit him up with anger, enough so that he struggled through the cold.

He knew that he had to protect the other peoples graves. If not for his sister, than for the other families that came to say hello to those since passed.

~~~

Eventually the buzz of Death died down and people stopped showing up at nights. Tyler only continued to show up to make sure nobody got any ideas about coming around. He wanted the fear to sit for as long as possible, to make sure that things should be as they were.

After a while Tyler grew bored of sitting on the statue.

He wandered one night, finding a tombstone that was flat and jumping up on it. He read the words printed below his feet, and nodded, hopping over to the tombstone next to him and reading that as well.

It became a game.

Tyler jumped from tombstone to tombstone, catching his balance and trying to stand upright. His shoes came off eventually, finding it easier to stay on top of the taller tombstones if he can better shape his feet to the rock below him.

~~~

School was quiet for the most part, Tyler’s second class though, got a little riled up.

“Did you see Death last night?” One girl asked the person next to her, a couple others turning their head to stare at her.

“Not this again, we get it, it’s scary and creepy but all he does is sit there and stare at the road, he’s harmless,” her friend replied, voice giving away how annoyed she was with the topic again.

“He wasn’t just sitting there,” the first girl said quietly, tapping her pencil against the desk nervously. A couple more heads turned to listen, eyes averting to the girl.

“We were driving by the cemetery on our way home and he, he was hopping on the tops of the graves. He’d jump from one to the next.” The girl shivered as she recalled the image. Tyler turned around then to look at her, joining in with the class as they all waited with emotionless faces.

“How is that scary?” The friend asked.

“Well besides that he uses the dead as a playground? You should have seen the way he moved. It was so freaky. Everything was so mechanical, it didn’t look right.”

A couple people cringed while trying to picture it. Tyler was surprised that that had been pointed out, he’d never even tried.

~~~

Tyler continued to go to the cemetery for a couple more weeks, entertaining himself but hopping to different places, pushing himself to jump farther than the last. He’d stopped wearing shoes, decided that a little cold wouldn’t kill him.

He continued to show up for about a month, never once stopping in his routine.

  
The only reason he stopped now though is that it began to snow and his hoodie wasn’t quite enough to keep him warm anymore. The others had gotten the message and it had already become old news, Tyler decided it was safe to leave the cemetery without his watchful eye.

He sighed one night, crawling his way back up onto the statue, staring out over the place that he’d spent every night wandering. He patted the head of the statue and smiled.

“Glad to be of service,” he said quietly before hopping down and walking home.

He almost felt sad that he was no longer taking care of the place. It had almost made it seem like he was playing with his sister once again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are highly appreciated, as well as kudos


	3. \\

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh has idiot friends
> 
> AKA the only time in existence that you will see me write about Tyler straddling Josh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yah sorry. just warning, if you see random letters or numbers in the story then i apologize for that. my kitten is being hella wild rn and i tried to edit out as many as i could find but i cant promise that i got all of them woops. also sorry that this one is shorter than the other two.

“Josh, come on, don’t be a fucking baby about this,” Jack called, handing some beers around the group.

 

“I’m not a baby, just, what if Death is there?” Josh asked, thinking about the stories that he’d heard being said around the college. He shivered at the thought, the idea of even going to the cemetery at night, let alone drunk, had him uneasy and honestly, very terrified.

 

“Fucks sake, dude, just come with us.”

 

Josh knew that if he didn’t go they would bug him and tease him for the months to come.

 

Besides, no one had seen Death in a couple weeks, what could go wrong?

 

~~~

 

They were all well on their way to being trashed, the beer leaving a bad taste in Josh’s mouth and his mind pleasantly empty. He listened to his friends talk, all of their horrible jokes and he laughed along, sitting down next to a couple of them while he fished out a new drink from the backpack they’d brought.

 

“Wasn’t so bad, huh, Josh?” Pete asked, smirking when Josh rolled his eyes.

 

Josh shrugged again, looking around the cemetery, his eyes stopping on the statue where Death used to perch. He shook his head at himself and downed a couple gulps, willing himself to relax and enjoy this night.

 

“Fine, I guess it’s not that bad but you can’t blame me for saying it’s still fucking creepy,” Josh answered, looking at the tombstones and the trees that all looked somewhat dead in their own way. A couple others hummed their agreement.

 

They continued on, downing drink after drink, all of them letting loose, smiles on all of their faces. Death had left all of their minds, the only thought they had was what lay in front of them, their entertainment and their jokes.

 

~~~

 

The noise is what startled Tyler first.

 

He lived close by to the cemetery, a thought that creeped him out for years when he was younger. After awhile he began to enjoy it. It wasn’t loud. You could lay in bed and listen to the trees rustle or the birds caw, all without the disturbing white noises of other neighbors.

 

Tonight though, there was talking and laughing and it was loud. Tyler knew it was outside, there was no other place it could have been other than the cemetery. He began to panic, fearing that those same kids had come to tag graves again. He felt the anger still left over from the month before.

 

He sighed and grabbed his skeleton hoodie, rushing out of the house as quietly as he could and hopping fences, getting to the cemetery in record time. He was barefoot as he’d started doing after a while but it was still cold and snowing and he almost regretted not bringing a pair with him.

 

Tyler crawled up a tree, keeping himself hidden as he stared down at the kids, his panic settling for a moment at the fact that they were just idiot kids that were drinking, no visible cans of spray paint. Tyler still disliked them being there though.

 

“Death won't even be here, they say he left town,” One guy said to his buddy, the rest nodding along and tipping back drinks. There was one guy that was a little more on the cautious side. He took sips occasionally, looking over his shoulder every so often, scanning the cemetery. Tyler knew that he was the one that was suspicious of Death being there just by his actions. He was also the first person to spot Tyler.

 

Tyler had done his very best to stay hidden. He was up in a tree, crouched down behind a patch of leaves so he was mostly hidden but if you stared long enough the shape of his figure would come out and his bones would be visible. The guy had his head pointed in the direction of the tree, his eyes squinting a couple of times in an effort to see better.

 

“Guys,” he said quietly, hitting the person closest to him on the arm, they all turned their attention to him with raised eyebrows. The guy didn’t answer again, simply raised his arm and pointed at the tree. Tyler knew instantly that it was about him and his mind went blank, letting his body take over and do what felt right.

 

He hopped from the tree, landing solidly on his feet but instead dropping to his knees. He landed with a thud that ached deep into his bones but he avoided the thought, focusing on the eyes that stared at him. The group all jumped to their feet, grabbing what they could and scattering through the cemetery, running as fast as they could. They only person who didn’t leave was the guy who had spotted Tyler first. He was on the ground, eyes wide as he looked at Tyler.

 

Tyler didn’t move from his position, watching the guy, noticing with ease the fast rise and fall of his chest, the obvious panic there and what was set into his face. Tyler was happy with that, proud that he was still able to freak the offenders out.

 

The only problem so far was that the guy still hadn’t moved. Tyler cocked his head to the side, hearing his own neck pop a couple of times as he did so. He knew that once again, it was an inhumane angle, that it creeped others out just by how far he was willing to turn his head and deal with the pain. It was enough to freak the guy out, scrambling back on his hands, trying to get away from Tyler. He stumbled, his hand slipping on the damp grass and sending him sprawled on his back. Tyler surged forward as quick as he could, his mind still trying to process what to do next. He found himself on top of the guy, pinning him to the ground, one knee digging into his thigh, his other knee pressed up under his ribcage. Tyler placed his hands on the guy’s shoulders, pinning him down without much effort.

 

Tyler’s mind spun of what to do next, the guy’s attention was all his and he needed to do something then and there to end this, to keep people away from the cemetery.

 

Tyler reached a hand to Josh’s throat, placing it there and squeezing gently. Tyler had no intention of hurting the guy but he did want a point to be made, he wanted to make sure the guy was paying attention.

 

“Don’t come ba-” Tyler started, trying to make his voice deeper and more threatening, he was doing good up until headlights flashed in the cemetery, shining on him and the guy. Tyler’s voice cracked at the end of his sentence, his panic spiking at the light that now flooded everything surrounding him. Tyler stood up then, his feet straddling the guy’s hips as he thought of what to do. It came quickly enough to him and he blitzed, getting himself moving, dodging gravestones and statues, hopping over anything that still laid in his path until he got to the edge of the cemetery, crawling up the fence and disappearing from sight.

 

~~~

 

Josh felt the pressure leave his chest, felt the air rush back into his lungs and he coughed and choked for a minute before he was able to sit up and stare after Death. He saw Death scurry up a fence on the backside of the cemetery.

  
Josh briefly registered that Death was barefoot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> expect more really soon bc i am pumped about this story. also comment because those make my day.


	4. //

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh can't get Death out of his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is longer than the others so its a make up for #3 being so short.
> 
> sorry if there are grammar errors. i was really excited and wanted to post so i only read through one time. i know i have a tense change issue and idk if i caught them all. woops

Josh laid in bed that night, his fingers ghosting over his neck, the feeling of Death’s fingers still lingering on his skin. He was slightly conflicted, wondering constantly if Death had intention of killing him then or if it was more innocent than that, an act of dominance. The bruises forming on Josh’s chest and thigh begged to differ though. He knew that by tomorrow they would be pretty shades of blue and green, fairly big in size too.

He rolled over in bed and looked at the clock, groaning quietly that he’d already spent most of the night staring at his ceiling and worrying over the events of that night.

Josh didn’t sleep well for the next three days.

~~~

Tyler had heard a couple of stories being passed around through school about Death again, about how close a student had come to Death. Tyler only snorted as he heard that one.

He showed up at the cemetery after that, keeping watch over everything the way he used to, hopping on graves or sitting on top of the statue. It was cold and he usually went home those nights feeling like an ice cube but the need to protect everything was still forefront in his mind.

~~~

A week later there was a test in one of Tyler’s classes.

“I want you all to get up and switch seats, I’ve noticed a couple of papers have been starting to look the same in our current arrangements,” the teacher announced, eyeing a couple kids who were notorious for cheating on tests. Tyler stayed in his seat and barely nodded as another boy came and sat down by him. They didn’t speak, sitting as far from each other as possible without looking too odd.

The test wasn’t super easy and Tyler struggled a bit, only growing more frustrated when the person sitting next to him flipped his paper over in a sign that he was done. Tyler looked over at him with his eyebrows scrunched together in scrutiny, wondering how this guy could actually be done already.

Tyler went back to his test, focusing as best he could on the problems that were in front of him. His attention was divided though when the person next to him began to doodle. Tyler watched for a moment, wishing that this guy wouldn’t be so cocky about finishing early. His doodle though began to form into something that Tyler recognized. It was a basic figure, the guy lacking in drawing talent. It started with a straight line, three horizontal ones in the middle and a head that took the form of what someone might call a skull.

It dawned on Tyler that this guy was drawing a skeleton. It didn’t quite register all at once that it was meant to be Tyler, it had been a week since the incident, but then Tyler remembered.

The face of the person next to him looked somewhat familiar, if the eyes were wider and if panic was on the face.

The person next to Tyler was the one that Tyler had clambered on top of and wrapped fingers around his throat.

He felt his anxiety bubble up and needed desperately to get out of the room, away from this guy. Tyler stood up from his desk and made his way to the door, a couple students looking his way.

“If you leave, Mr. Joseph, your test will be forfeited,” the teacher called after him in a stern voice, Tyler didn’t quite notice though. His hands were shaking and he felt sick, he felt that he would be caught then and there.

In the rational part of Tyler’s head he knew that he was covered, that his face was concealed and he couldn’t be recognized, but his anxiety was a different story. He felt it so deep in his core that everyone would know now, that they would all laugh and point and drive him back to his roof with the pills. It scared him more than he cared to admit.

He ended up leaving the rest of his classes and going home, trying his hardest the whole time to get his breathing in control and to calm down.

That night Tyler wasn’t sure why he went to the cemetery after his panic attack but he did anyway. He knew that people would be curious or mischievous, wanting to see if they could trick Death. Tyler sat up on the statue, too nervous to start hopping around, wanting to make sure that he wasn’t caught off guard.

The silence of the cemetery was broken by leaves crunching. Someone was in the cemetery.

Tyler slid down from the statues shoulder and onto the scythe, curling in on himself as he waited for someone to emerge from the darkness.

“I can still see you,” someone called from Tyler’s left. Tyler snapped his head in that direction, finding the person standing at the edge of the trees, his eyes trained on Tyler. It was almost shocking that Tyler recognized him. It was the guy from his class, the guy that he’d intentionally freaked out and attacked. Tyler didn’t move from his position, wary of what this guy might do.

“Uhm, Josh, I’m Josh,” the guy stuttered, taking a few steps towards the statue and where Tyler sat crouched. The panic flared up in Tyler, his mind trying to force itself to work, to find a way to get out of this.

“I won’t hurt you, I just, you didn’t have shoes,” Josh said sheepishly, looking down to the grass. He held out a pair of shoes then, looking back up to Tyler hesitantly. Tyler didn’t have any intentions of moving closer, he hoped that much was obvious. It seemed to be because Josh crouched and set the shoes in the grass, nodding once to himself before turning and leaving.

Tyler sat on the scythe without moving for as long as he could manage before he jumped off and looked around, checking the trees carefully. He didn’t notice anything out of place and slowly walked over to the shoes, finding a pair of folded socks inside. He slipped both on and felt his toes gain a bit of warmth. They weren’t exactly his style, old beat up adidas shoes, but they were better than what Tyler previously had on and so he wore them the rest of the night, taking them off only before crawling into bed.

~~~

Tyler wore the shoes the next night. In a weird train of thought he made it seem like since Death had been presented these shoes, he almost had to wear them. He sat up on the statue’s shoulder, gently kicking at the scythe below him.

Josh came back that night. His bright red hair was recognizable from any distance.

This time he didn’t try to hide or be sneaky, he entered from the main entrance and walked towards the statue without the shyness of the previous night.

“Nice shoes,” he commented with a small laugh, stepping five feet away from Tyler and the statue. Josh looked around for a moment and took a seat on top of a tombstone that was close by, looking up at Tyler and smiling gently.

“You didn’t try to attack me last night when I brought my shoes so I assumed that you weren’t trying to kill me that one time, I guess I thought you might be lonely,” Josh shrugged and looked around, shivering slightly, whether it was cold or the cemetery aura, Tyler wasn’t sure.

Tyler sat there for a long time, debating with himself whether or not he should talk. He’d started to in their first meeting, his voice cracking at the end and almost giving him away. It was a different circumstance, one that wasn’t likely to happen tonight, but Tyler decided not to risk it.

“Why do you come here?” Josh asked bluntly, his eyes were scrunched in confusion. Tyler shrugged in response, forcing himself to not look over his shoulder at where he knew his sister was buried. It was too much information that could be used against him.

Josh didn’t try to start any other conversations after that, just sat there, looking around the cemetery and occasionally back up at Tyler. He was there for an hour before he left without saying goodbye, leaving Tyler to himself, the way it had been every other time.

Tyler was almost sad to be alone again.

~~~

Josh returned again, another comment about Tyler’s shoes, this time though he brought a heavy winter jacket. He stepped right up to the statue, close enough that he could reach out and touch Tyler without much effort. He didn’t, instead only raised the jacket above his head and turned his head away, keeping his eyes to the trees.

“You seemed cold,” he said simply, lowering his hand when Tyler took the jacket. Josh stepped back and sat on the tombstone again. They were both quiet, all the while though, Tyler felt happier. In a sick way, it made him feel like he’d gained a friend. The friendship of course was based off of nothing true, all of it was a lie that Tyler used to his advantage but at the same time it was all of Tyler’s being laid out for the public to see. Tyler may not be Death, the bones of the Grim Reaper but he was there for a reason, that reason explaining his whole life.

Josh left later that night without a word and left Tyler alone.

“I’m sorry,” Tyler whispered under his breath once Josh was gone. He felt an overwhelming amount of guilt for what he’d done to Josh.

He knew then that he couldn’t show up the next night.

~~~

Tyler didn’t go into the cemetery, only walking past briefly to see if Josh had shown up.

Josh was there, sitting alone on the scythe the way Tyler used to. He looked cold, his face seeming so sad, it almost hurt Tyler’s heart to see it. He wasn’t sure when he began to care about Josh’s feelings.

~~~

Tyler checked up on the cemetery every night that week, walking by and scanning the area, each night finding Josh in the same place, his body hunched over on itself, an image that kept Tyler up one night, wishing he could fix the sad look that was on Josh’s face.

~~~

A week after Tyler stopped showing up at the cemetery, he messed up.

Tyler was getting ready for school and slipped on the old adidas without much thought. They were warm and felt nice on his feet. He didn’t realize what he’d done until he got to class and Josh was staring at his shoes. As Tyler walked by he heard Josh mumbling to himself, his head resting on his desk.

“It’s not him, Josh, it’s not him.”

Tyler’s guilt felt like it might suffocate him.

~~~

Josh laid in bed that night, the image of Tyler in his shoes still in his mind.

“Not your shoes,” Josh mumbled to himself as he rolled over in bed, trying to force the image from his head.

“Shit,” he groaned, realizing that that thought would haunt him for many nights, that Tyler and Death wouldn’t leave his head no matter how hard he tried.

~~~

The next night when Tyler walked by the cemetery he saw Josh sitting there and he felt bad, the guy must be cold. He ran  home and pulled on his skeleton hoodie, hopping his backyard fence as usual and running the back way towards the cemetery.

He didn’t bother to hide his presence anymore. He stepped on dried leaves and twigs, wanting Josh to know he was there. Josh turned and looked, his eyes wide as he stared at Tyler.

“I didn’t know you would come back,” Josh said quietly, hopping off of the statue and stepping closer to Tyler. It sparked Tyler’s anxiety. He knew that his face was hidden but Josh being so close, it terrified him.

“You need to stop coming here,” Tyler said finally, the first thing he’d said to Josh since he started coming regularly. Josh stared for a moment, his eyebrows scrunching in confusion.

“What?” Josh asked, his face looking so hurt that it almost broke Tyler’s heart. He forced himself to continue though, he needed Josh to stay home.

“Give it up, Josh, I’m not coming back, stop coming here,” Tyler said, his voice shaking more than he’d liked it to. Josh gently shook his head, taking a step forward. He got into Tyler’s personal space, too close, and Tyler stepped back while Josh advanced.

“I can’t get you out of my head,” Josh started, pausing for a moment and frowning, “My grades are dropping and I can’t sleep, I just,” Josh didn’t ever finish his train of thought.

The panic rose in Tyler as he knew where this was heading, that Josh wasn’t going to give up until he found something out. Tyler assumed he was going for Death’s real persona. Tyler’s eyes welled up with tears, his panic and his terror at the thought of what might happen consumed him. He tried to keep the tears from falling but there wasn’t any help for it, he knew this was it, that he was going to have hell waiting for him tomorrow.

Tyler felt the rough bark of a tree behind him and Josh standing directly in front of him. There wasn’t anywhere for Tyler to escape and he gave up, Josh had him trapped. Tyler had never felt more guilty about anything in his entire life than he did in that moment.

Tyler turned his head away when he saw Josh’s arm raise. He kept his eyes to the grass even as he felt a hand touch his hoodie gently. Tyler could hear the zipper being pulled away, could feel the biting air on his face, stinging where his tears were.

Josh pulled the zipper down until the hood fell away from Tyler’s head.

Tyler closed his eyes and waited for what came next, his mind twisting into something that might involve pain.

A hand touched Tyler’s chin gently, tilting his head to Josh again, forcing their eyes to meet.

~~~

Josh stared at the person in front of him, recognizing him immediately.

_Tyler._

There were tears on his face, his eyes so sad as they looked up at Josh. There’s pain and panic on Tyler’s face and Josh wants to say something, wants to reassure Tyler that he won’t hurt him but no words would come. Tyler begins to shake and his mouth tried to form around words but nothing came except for a choked sob that left more tears streaming down Tyler’s face.

“I-I’m sorry,” he whispered before ducking out of Josh’s grip and turning to run out of the cemetery.

It took a moment before Josh regained control of himself and he can get his feet to walk out of the cemetery.

~~~  
  


Josh waited anxiously in class the next day, hoping with everything he had that Tyler would be there. He just wanted to talk, to talk to the real person.

Josh wasn’t sure when he’d developed a crush on Death, on Tyler. The situation was messed up and broken, Josh wasn’t supposed to fall for the person who wrapped their fingers around his neck but he did. He knew that Tyler hadn’t meant harm, he knew that Tyler had an ulterior motive for camping out in the cemetery the way he did. Josh fell for that, he fell for the side that Tyler kept hidden.

Tyler didn’t show up to class that day.

~~~

Tyler has no choice but to go to class the next day.

As much as he’d love to avoid Josh forever he knew that his grades were important, graduating was important.

He kept his head down, never once looking up to the pair of eyes that he knew were on him. Tyler wanted to look up and see if the eyes were hateful or innocent but he couldn’t bring himself to look. He wasn’t sure which look was worse.

~~~

Tyler decided that Death was gone forever and he needed to say goodbye. It had become too big a part of his life and he needed to give it up.

  
He pulled on the old adidas and the jacket that Josh gave him, pulling the jacket tight around him to keep in his body heat.

Tyler didn’t even look at the statue, instead going to his sister’s grave. He sat down cross-legged, like he had on her birthday and stared at the words engraved into stone. His fingers traced over her name gently, never once stopping, not even when he felt someone sit down beside him. He knew that it was Josh without even needing to look but he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. Josh didn’t penetrate the silence either, letting Tyler have the moment in silence with Olivia.

Tears started to flow down Tyler’s cheeks again.

He cried this time because he’s giving up something that had become so big to him, had made him feel important for the first time since he bought the bike for his sister. He cried this time because he didn’t know what would come next. He would be forced to face Josh tonight and he didn’t know what would happen, if Josh would let it slide or the anger that Josh might’ve felt would bubble up right then.

Tyler felt a gentle arm wrap around his shoulders as he sobbed. He felt himself being pulled into Josh and he didn’t fight it. He let Josh pull him into his chest and he let himself cry and be held.

It was comforting.

Tyler didn’t think about what Josh would do next or what he would do next himself, he thought about the warm presence around him, someone who wasn’t afraid that he was crying or that he was pretending to be something for the sake of some buried people.

Tyler thought about the fact that Josh was here with him, holding him and whispering quietly.

“It’s okay, I promise, it’s okay.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> id apologize but lmao no


	5. \\

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh finally gets his explanation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have n o idea what any of this is. the whole ending is just ??? it is literally almost 5 am and i have work in 2 hours and i decided to write instead and its just word vomit im sorry
> 
> it was actually supposed to be cute how did we end up here lmfao
> 
> also i apologize for any typos or disgusting sentences, this was edited by me at 4:30am after no sleep and i just wanted to post so. enjoy my bulLSHit

Tyler stepped into class the next day, his anxiety through the roof about what might happen. Much to the disbelief of Tyler’s imagination, nobody looked up at him.

He walked into class like any other day and nobody paid any attention.

Tyler was almost shocked that word about Death hadn’t already been spread through the school.

Tyler took a deep breath and walked towards his seat, deliberately avoiding Josh’s eyes as he walked by, ignoring his name being called.

“Tyler, please, come on, Tyler,” Josh called, turning in his seat to look at the other boy. Josh finally gave up when he noticed that he was being ignored.

Class went on as normal and the teacher talked and the students didn’t pay attention and it was a boringly plain day. Tyler couldn’t have been happier about that.

~~~

The next week went by and Tyler still refused to even so much as look at Josh. He felt gross, he felt like he was a let down, that every action he made was a bother in another person's life.

Josh was the person that Tyler felt he’d let down the most. He knew in his mind that everything he’d done to him that first night was horrible, that he shouldn’t have targeted those kids, who weren’t doing anything more than drinking.

He also knew that he should have never hurt Josh, that digging his boney knees into Josh’s leg and chest and wrapping his fingers around Josh’s neck, however lightly it may have been, was too far. Because of those thoughts, he couldn’t even bear to look in Josh’s direction.

~~~

Eventually his conscience settled and he could get away with a passing nod in Josh’s direction if they made eye contact. He tried to talk one time but bile rose in his throat and he felt like he might throw up right then.

He decided against talking to Josh any time soon.

~~~

It had been a month since Tyler cried into Josh’s chest when Josh finally had had enough.

He cornered Tyler when he saw him in the hall, stepping into his personal space the way he’d done with Death, leaving Tyler no option but to listen, to talk even.

“I don’t know what you’re deal with ignoring me is but I do know that I want it to stop,” Josh said, trying to make his words sound forceful but instead they came out soft, broken. Tyler looked to the floor his hand reaching up to tug at his hair momentarily before he tried to flatten it out with the palm of his hand.

“I’m sorry,” Tyler whispered, his shoulders shaking slightly and Josh feared that Tyler might cry. It was the last thing he’d wanted when he thought of confronting Tyler.

“Why do you keep apologizing, I’m not mad at you,” Josh said in all honesty. Tyler looked up then and Josh was happy to see that no tears had fallen quite yet though he noticed that Tyler looked dangerously close to the wet in his eyes spilling over.

“You aren’t mad?” Tyler asked, seeming so shocked that Josh almost laughed. He shook his head gently, trying to smile but it didn’t quite work.

“No, I was never mad. An explanation would be nice but mostly I just wanna talk,” he stated, trying to figure out himself when he’d become so drawn to Tyler.

“I can, uh, I can show you?” Tyler asked, looking away again and his cheeks growing a light shade of pink, “You’ll just have to meet me at the cemetery, sorry, it’s just easier to explain if you can see for yourself.”

Josh nodded and backed away then, giving Tyler a small smile before heading off to his class.

~~~

Josh found Tyler sitting in front of a tombstone. As he came closer he realized that it was the same one that Josh had seen him at the month before.

“It’s my sister,” Tyler said quietly as Josh took a seat next to him. He didn’t say a word, not wanting to prompt any information out of Tyler unless it was something that was willingly given. He could tell that it was a sore subject still.

“A couple months back it was her birthday,” Tyler started again and he laughed quietly, a small smile on his face for just a brief moment, Josh realized for just a second how beautiful it was, “I had come to visit her and forgot her present at home. I live close by and so I just left for not even ten minutes and when I came back these people, they’d brought spray paint and were tagging graves.”

Josh could see Tyler’s body start to shake again and he scooted closer, wrapping an arm around Tyler, hoping that it was comforting.

“They did it to my sister and she’s fuc-, sorry, Ollie, she’s four! Why would they do that to such a sweet little girl?”

Josh stared at the tombstone in front of him, never having realized how close together the years were, he felt a sadness wash over him at the thought of all that this girl was missing.

“I was just so angry and I wanted to fight them all but I’m small and I can’t go up against some jock in a fight. But small can hide and I know that I can be creepy when I want to so that’s what I did. I hid and I tried to scare them and it worked. They twisted the whole thing into some tale the next day and I only showed up to make sure no one else tried anything, I didn’t mean for it to get so big.”

“Hey,” Josh whispered, trying to cut Tyler off from saying any more, it didn’t quite work though.

“I never meant to hurt you either, I was scared that you guys would do something, that you might disturb some other poor kids grave and I-” Tyler stopped when he felt a pair of soft lips on his cheek.

Josh pulled back with red cheeks and looked away.

“What?” Tyler said dumbly, watching the blush grow on Josh’s face until it tinted the tips of his ears. Josh turned back slowly, his eyes searching for some sign of fear or disgust on Tyler’s face. Thankfully he didn’t find anything there except for confusion.

“You were starting to work yourself up again, I didn’t want you to cry,” Josh said simply.

Tyler blushed himself and looked away, sitting quietly in the presence of Josh.

~~~

Josh showed up the next night, finding Tyler sitting with his back against a tree, a shy smile on his face when he saw Josh.

“I wasn’t sure if you’d come or not and last night was so weird and confusing and I just really wanted to talk with you I guess,” Tyler started to ramble, feeling nervous now that he was himself and there was no barrier. Everything he did would come back to him now, Josh would see and there would be no chance of hiding it.

“Tyler, I’m not sure if you noticed last night or not but I kinda sorta like you.” Tyler stared with his mouth open, unsure of what to say.

“Really?” He finally asked. Josh shrugged.

“Well, yeah, I don’t go around kissing people just for fun,” Josh said trying to make the conversation seem lighter and a little more care free. His feelings still scared him and he wasn’t sure how Tyler would take it.

“Why?” Tyler asked, sounding defensive. He seemed to bristle as he stood up, his eyebrows furrowing with a mix of confusion and possibly anger, maybe even hurt, “What can you possibly like about me based off of the times I’ve literally been shit to you?” Josh flinched at the words.

“Your passion,” he said without much more explanation. The look on Tyler’s face showed that he owed more than just that.

“Okay, I don’t know. When you jumped me that night you did put your hands on my throat and it terrified me but you didn’t mean any harm, I knew that, if you’d really actually wanted me dead then you could have done it easily. When you got freaked out and ran off I saw that you didn’t have shoes and I knew you weren’t some skeleton like everyone had been saying,” Josh toed at the ground, feeling weird for having to justify his feelings.

“That still doesn’t explain any sort of ‘passion,’” Tyler said, making air quotes around the last word for emphasis on his annoyance and disbelief. Josh groaned and gestured with his hands for a moment, hoping it would convey his message in some way. It didn’t so he gave up and dropped his hands to his sides.

“I couldn’t get you out of my head, you already know that. I don’t know, Tyler, I just knew that you weren’t doing this for entertainment, you had a reason that you came here every night, even when it snowed, to sit out here when no one else cared about Death anymore. I knew there was something more to whoever was behind the mask and I wanted to know them. That’s why I came back. It’s a shitty reason but it’s my reason and I like you, is that so hard to believe?” Tyler nodded his head at the question and looked down at himself.

“Well, yeah,” Tyler stated simply and Josh groaned, stepping in close. He raised his hand and rested it on Tyler’s shoulder, changing his mind and gently cupping his cheek, his hand hovering for a moment before he sighed and dropped his hand to his side.

“Forget it,” Josh said, frustration growing that Tyler was pulling previous events as an excuse to invalidate what Josh had already said, to invalidate his feelings that he’d spent weeks trying to sort through to get to this very point. He turned and started walking away, prepared to leave Tyler and never look back.

The only downside to that plan was that his brain wouldn’t let him do that.

“You know what?” Josh asked, turning around and pointing an accusing finger at Tyler. He took a step forward, stopping himself from getting too close because the rush of emotions he felt left him feeling unpredictable.

“I flat-out told you that I wasn’t mad, I told you that although you freaked me the fuck out, I was still into you. Why are you going to deny it?” Josh asked, walking back over to Tyler and getting close enough that Tyler flattened himself into the tree, standing tall and attempting to create as much space from Josh as he could.

Tyler stared back into Josh’s eyes, wary of the emotions that flitted past for brief moments. He was intimidated to say the least.

“Why’re you thinking that there’s nothing to like about you?” Josh asked, his face twisting into a look of confusion. He reached out for Tyler’s hips, wanting to pull him in, to feel him close and to hold him. He changed his mind though, his knuckles barely brushing the fabric at Tyler’s waist, his hands instead reaching up to cup both sides of Tyler’s face.

Tyler let out a breath that he didn’t know he had been holding.

“I-I didn’t say that,” he whispered, his eyes frozen on Josh, a thought of panic and excitement stuck in his head when he saw the way that Josh looked at him.

“You don’t get to decide whether or not my feelings have enough to go off of. That’s for me. If I decide that you are worth liking then let me, you won't be able to change that,” Josh tried to reason, wishing that his words would come across the way they did in his head.

**  
**“Deny, deny, denial,” Tyler whispered, finally dropping his gaze to the grass below him, his gaze never leaving that spot until Josh finally backed off, his hands raised in defense before he turned and walked away, this time without turning back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i told you it was word vomit. anyway, you know the drill. comments and kudos are highly appreciated and i love them with a passion.
> 
> also sorry about the flat out song quote. idk why or if it even fits but it was stuck in my head so i was like LOL Y NOT. basically if you know that picture of the person sitting at their computer looking overly joyed as they smashed their fingers into the keyboard, that was me.


	6. //

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler needed to get it off his chest as much as Josh needed to understand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think this is gonna be shorter than i first imagined. 
> 
> probably only expect a couple more chapters tbh

Tyler struggled to get himself to school the next day. He knew that Josh was mad or upset, something along those lines but he was never really sure which it was. Tyler really didn’t want to know what would happen when the two were in the same room, if maybe Josh would confront him again, try to explain again, let Tyler explain.

None of the above happened though.

Tyler stepped into class and walked by Josh’s desk, watching sadly as Josh turned away, deliberately ignoring Tyler.

Through the whole class Josh kept himself occupied. He either worked hard in class, giving his full attention to the teacher and assignment or he jumped into conversations with people near his seat, never once turning to talk to Tyler, never once even so much as looking at him.

Tyler wanted to cry.

~~~

Josh ignored him for the next week and Tyler wasn’t sure if he’d ever been this sad before.

It was a different type of sad, though, something he wasn’t used to.

He’d grown used to the feeling of hopelessness, the feeling that life was pointless and that the end was the only way for him to find peace. This sadness though, was the opposite. It was one that didn’t take away his feelings.

He could still feel the way his heart ached, the way his eyes burned with unshed tears. He was never numb and Tyler decided that this sad was, in some ways, worse.

This sad though, didn’t end in death. There was a solution for this one besides a grave and Tyler intended on finding it because damn, he was miserable.

~~~

Tyler showed up early to class, making sure he could get the spot he wanted. The one right beside Josh.

When he sat down Josh glanced up, smiling at who he thought usually sat there, that smile falling when he realized it was only Tyler.

“I’m not doing this,” Josh grit out, gathering his things to leave.

“Wait, please? Let me just sit here for one day with you and then you can ignore me tomorrow,” Tyler tried to reason, hoping that by the end of this hour Josh wouldn’t want to ignore him.

Josh frowned and set his things back down, turning to the teacher and ignoring the eyes on the side of his head.

“Josh,” Tyler whispered when the teacher began to handout papers. Josh glared at the wall in front of him but nodded his head anyway, giving Tyler a sign that he was listening.

“I know you’re mad and I was being shit that night but please, I need you to look at me,” Tyler begged, letting out a soft sigh when Josh turned and looked at him. Josh’s gaze began hard and emotionless, a look that was scary to see on such a nice boys face, but the gaze didn’t last long. Tyler knew he was being pathetic, begging Josh to look at him, at the sadness he felt and knew was worn on his face, but he knew that Josh still felt something and he needed that back because for that brief moment in the cemetery, when he thought that maybe Josh could be someone for him, he felt higher than the clouds.

“I’m sorry I wouldn’t accept what you were saying to me. It wasn’t very kind of me but I find it hard to even understand that people like me. It’s hard for me to do that around people that I meet naturally, I don’t see those things in myself,” Tyler said, looking down to his lap and tugging nervously at his sleeves until they covered his hands.

“Tyler,” Josh started, stopping when Tyler looked up and made eye contact.

“It’s even harder for me to believe that someone likes me when I practically attacked them. You were right though, about passion, I guess. I do go there for something bigger than entertainment. I do it for Ollie, it’s all been for her,” Tyler’s voice dropped off at the last sentence.

“What do you mean?” Josh asked, trying to understand what ‘all’ meant.

“I can’t tell you here,” Tyler mumbled and looked back up to Josh’s face to find a small, knowing smile on his face.

~~~

Tyler found Josh this time at the cemetery.

He was sat at Olivia’s grave, bundled up in a coat with snowflakes in his hair. Tyler stopped a few feet back, staying quiet as he stared at the scene. He wanted to capture the image in his head and hold onto it, wanted to remember the soft look on Josh’s face as he stared at the words on his little sister’s tombstone. It almost hurt Tyler’s heart how perfect the image of Josh was.

Tyler decided that if he had to pick any moment to fall in love with anyone at all, it would be that very moment.

Josh turned around and smiled, patting the ground beside him until Tyler walked over and sat down.

“Willing to explain now?” Josh asked but it was an open question, leaving Tyler plenty of room to back out if he needed. Tyler didn’t though.

He’d finally found someone to talk to about his life, his feelings, his everything. It was the first time, and only time, that Tyler felt that he’d be able to be himself without any hesitations.

“I’ve never told anyone this before,” Tyler started, swallowing down his fears, “It was like seven years ago now, I was thirteen years old and I was sad, all the time. I remember I was up on my roof and I was about to, uhm,” Tyler stopped, wondering how far he could trust Josh. This would be the first time he’d admitted how close he’d come to the end of his life.

Tyler believed that Josh sensed it. He noticed the way that Josh tensed up for a moment, his body deflating and his eyes seeming so sad.

“I was about to kill myself,” Tyler stated flatly, looking up to the sky the way he’d done that night.

“Tyler,” Josh whispered, his voice sounding so broken and sad. Tyler could feel Josh’s eyes on his face but Tyler couldn’t look back into his eyes without losing his courage and breaking down into a mess.

“I got bullied a lot, you know? I was thirteen and I was sad and I didn’t think that anything would change. I wanted to die and that’s all I wanted. I had no plans, I just wanted to be gone.” Josh sat for a moment, staring at the grass before he spoke up.

“That changed though, right?” Josh asked nervously. Tyler nodded and heard a sigh escape Josh’s lips.

“I found out right before I was about to do it that my mom was pregnant. I had the pills in my hand when she told me. They never knew, I couldn’t do that to them, but hearing that? Hearing that someone would come into my house and be there always, I just, I thought of all the things they would get to see and to experience and I just thought that they’d need a good big brother and God, I wanted to be there to see that,” Tyler smiled, looking over and making eye contact with Josh for the first time that night.

“I washed the pills down the kitchen sink. That kid had given me hope of change, they gave me a reason to stay alive.”

“But, she,” Josh started, looking over to the tombstone out of the corner of his eye and Tyler laughed, an automatic response to hide the pain that stung so deep. His laugh was void of all emotion though.

“I bought her a bike for her fourth birthday, my parents told me they wouldn’t teach her and it was my job so I took her out and showed her how to ride it but, uhm, there was a car and they didn’t stop or didn’t notice and I couldn’t,” Tyler broke then, tears flowing and his voice shaking more than he’d wanted. He thought about not explaining further, ending his speech there but in a way it felt nice. He wasn’t the only one who had to bear the story anymore, he needed this just as much as Josh needed to understand.

“I carried her inside and laid her down on the carpet, Jesus, Josh, there was so much blood. I can still feel it on my hands, I can feel her blood everywhere and, I don’t know. The last thing I remember was washing my hands in the kitchen sink, throwing up, and then it’s just black. Everything is.”

Josh remained silent even when Tyler had no more to say.

“Fuck, Tyler, I wish I could have been there for you,” he whispered quietly and Tyler gave a small laugh.

“Don’t be sorry, I’m still here, right?” Tyler asked, gesturing to his body. Josh nodded his head and turned his body so he was facing Tyler.

“Did you try to kill yourself again?” He asked seriously and Tyler shook his head.

“Thought about it a lot but I didn’t. Figured I still needed to stay alive for her, gotta give her presents on her birthday,” he said sadly, reaching out and stroking his hand down the rounded part of the tombstone, remembering how he’d stroked her hair in the same way. Tyler smiled for a moment before he pulled back and looked at Josh who gave a small smile as well.

“I told you there was more to you, thank you for explaining,” Josh said honestly, staring at Tyler in amazement or wonder, fondness plain in his eyes. Tyler shied away from the gaze, unsure of how he should feel or what he should do.

Josh reached out and pulled Tyler into a hug, holding him in close until Tyler returned it, wrapping his own arms around Josh and burrowing his face into Josh’s jacket.

For the first time since Olivia had been alive, Tyler felt at home in someone’s arms.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was all highly unedited or looked over so i apologize for boring spots or rough spots, ive just been lazy and i got to a place where it felt okay to end and i was just like why nOT UPDATE NOW
> 
> sorry i am trash


	7. \\

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Too long,"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soRRy, only two more chapters after this lol woops

Tyler laid wrapped up in Josh’s embrace, fearing the moment that he had to pull away that he would lose the sense of home, the sense of peace that came along with it. He had never meant to find it here, as much as he’d be searching for this feeling, he hadn’t wanted to find it in a person.

Tyler had been let down by people too many times to count. They were the reason he had been pushed to the brink of death but they were also the reason he stayed alive, only to once again be let down. They were the reason that he ended up in this spot.

So, yeah, Tyler was cautious in who he let into his life and he hated that he let this one in but now that Josh was here, Tyler wasn’t sure he’d be able to let go without a serious casualty.

“I think I fell for you,” Tyler blurted, nuzzling deeper into Josh’s arms. Josh laughed quietly, squeezing Tyler’s body gently.

“Well, I think I fell for you, too,” Josh answered. Josh looked down at Tyler and found his eyes looking up to the stars, unaware of Josh’s gaze. He was so fascinated by the twinkling lights and deep black surrounding them, it made him seem innocent and beautiful, it was hard for Josh to not just jump straight into loving him like that.

~~~

“What’s a hobby of yours, besides sitting at a cemetery?” Josh asked, sitting up and looking at Tyler. They were both frozen cold and shaking but neither wanted to leave, they didn’t bother thinking about going to one another's houses either.

“Oh, damn, you took away my favorite thing,” Tyler joked, smiling when Josh laughed, “I don’t know, I like music. I’ve taught myself a couple of instruments and I like to sing sometimes, not that great at any of those but I enjoy it.”

“Dude, we should start a band, I’m a drummer,” Josh said excitedly, trying to imagine what it would be like to be on stage and have fans screaming over him.

“Sure, sure, that would be fun,” Tyler said with a small smile.

They joked about their futures and bands until they couldn’t stand the cold anymore and had to leave.

~~~

Tyler sat with his back against a tombstone, smiling when Josh strode up to him and took a seat.

It didn’t take long for the skies to pour and the two boys to become drenched. Tyler leaned into what little warmth Josh was radiating and laughed.

“We should probably go, I’m soaking wet.”

Tyler pressed in closer, a grin on his face. He buried his face in Josh’s neck, his smile growing when Josh’s hands wrapped around his waist. Although they were both shivering and cold, neither decided to move.

“Ty, we’re gonna be so sick tomorrow,” Josh mumbled, trying to talk himself and Tyler into leaving but it didn’t happen.

They stayed for another thirty minutes before the shivering grew too much and they needed blankets and a hot shower each.

~~~

Tyler was nervous that things were going so well between him and Josh. Things didn’t last, in Tyler’s experience, and the anxiety of what might happen, of when it could happen was beginning to wear down on Tyler.

Josh had come in and broken down every wall of Tyler’s, leaving him raw and exposed, without a way to take it back and hide. Tyler had given up his deepest secrets, had talked about every important thing in his life. It was new for Tyler but he wouldn’t ask for it any other way.

He trusted Josh with his life.

~~~

Tyler sat straddled on Josh’s lap, leaning his forehead against Josh’s as they laughed, trying to pull themselves together.

“Josh, please, I was gonna do something,” Tyler whined, slouching where he was seated until he could look up into Josh’s eyes, giving a small pout. Josh only laughed harder.

“Tyler, you can’t call me ‘daddy’ and kiss me all sweet like and not expect me to laugh,” Josh said, trying to get a clear sentence out between his laughs. Tyler groaned and covered his face with his hands.

“I saw it on the internet, people said they liked it when you call your boyfriend ‘daddy’,” Tyler mumbled, his blush growing when he realized what he’d called Josh.

“Boyfriend?” He asked, tilting his head with a curious gaze, his smile still on his lips. Tyler nodded.

“Sorry, it’s just, I don’t know. We do boyfriend things like making out and cuddling,” Tyler shrugged and turned his head away from Josh.

“Well, then, my sunshine,” Josh started, pausing to smile when he saw the blush on Tyler’s cheeks grow, “Whether or not there’s a label to what we have, I’m glad it’s here and everything you see belongs to you.” Tyler looked back then, making eye contact and smiling wide.

“But Josh, I can’t see your heart,” and it was cheesy and Tyler wanted to hide and to take it back but he didn’t. Josh reached up and placed his hands on Tyler’s cheeks.

“Well, then, you’re just gonna have to trust that you’ve won over my heart too,” Josh said as he leaned in and pressed a soft kiss onto Tyler’s lips, Tyler leaned in and smilied when he pulled away.

“I’m glad, that I won your heart,” Tyler mumbled, looking down to his lap.

“Why?” Josh asked curiously, already knowing the answer but wanting to hear it outloud from Tyler’s mouth.

“Because,” Tyler said exasperatedly, flailing his hands for a moment before he stopped and tried to find the right words, “Because, you make me happy. I know things started out weird but having you here now, Jesus, you mean so much to me, you’re the first thing that’s made me genuinely happy since Olivia.”

Josh didn’t answer, leaning in and kissing Tyler again instead.

~~~

“So,” Josh started one night, looking up at the stars as he laid with Tyler, “What should we call this band?” Tyler shrugged, trying to think of something that’s catchy.

“The only thing that comes to mind is ‘Twenty One Pilots’ but I don’t really like it,” Tyler stated, frowning for a moment.

“What does it mean?” Josh asked, looking away from the stars to watch Tyler.

“It comes from a play called ‘All My Sons’, it’s about this guy who built parts for planes during the war and he found out that the parts were faulty, he either sacrificed his reputation and opportunity to provide for his family or he killed twenty-one pilots,” Tyler explained and Josh was fascinated by the way Tyler talked about things.

“But why a band name?” Josh asked again, trying to find what Tyler had been getting at.

“It’s a reminder, at least for me. It’s a reminder that there’s always a choice in life and sometimes the easiest isn’t always the best.” Tyler never took his eyes off of the stars.

“That would be a way cool name,” Josh said, smiling at Tyler and the way he found such meaning in everything.

“Too long,” Tyler said flatly.

**  
**Josh nodded and turned back to look at the stars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apology in advance for the next chapter woops


	8. //

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things were okay, they were okay
> 
> At least that's what Josh let himself believe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i forgot a huge part of the story so you get an extra chapter
> 
> uhm reALLy sorry.

It started in the cemetery, just like every night, except that this night wasn’t like the others, this one was happier, it seemed that way at least.

“I love you,” Tyler whispered, his throat choking around the word.

That was the first time he willingly looked away from the stars to stare at Josh, finding him staring up at the night sky blankly. He looked back at Tyler and his eyes looked so apologetic, so sad for Tyler, but that wasn’t what Tyler paid attention to. He only noticed the way Josh’s lips formed around the word ‘sorry’.

“That’s okay,” Tyler mumbled, looking back up to the sky.

It was silent between them and usually at this point Tyler would have noticed the chill that ran through his body and he’d scoot over and curl into Josh but not tonight, because tonight he knew that Josh didn’t feel the same.

“I’m just gonna go,” Tyler finally whispered, the sadness so evident in his voice and the way he carried himself. It didn’t take long for Josh to catch on.

“What, you’re mad that I didn’t say it back?” Josh asked incredulously, sitting up and turning to stare at Tyler’s back. Tyler seemed to visibly shrink, his shoulders hunching over as he flinched at the words.

“I’m not mad,” Tyler said and he dropped his head to look at the grass.

“Then what the fuck, why are you leaving?” Josh asked, standing up and taking a step towards Tyler.

Tyler flinched again and turned to look at Josh, dropping his eyes when he saw the look of anger on Josh’s face. He took a step back again as Josh advanced towards him.

“The last time we hung out and messed around you didn’t have a problem that I didn’t love you,” Josh explained, growing more frustrated that Tyler was evading his advances.

“The last time I didn’t know,” Tyler shouted, finally looking up at Josh and he had tried so hard to keep from crying but it was no use, he looked at Josh and still felt the same love he had ten minutes ago but now he saw that it wasn’t returned and that hurt him most of all.

“Fucks sake, Tyler, you don’t need to go and get fucking upset about this, we were just messing around, didn’t know that I had to fall for you,” Josh yelled back, folding his arms over his chest. Tyler looked away, his eyes gazing just past Josh’s head. They were still watery and every emotion in his head was plainly written in his eyes.

“You would’ve beat the moon in a pretty contest, the moon just happened to be the first thing that I missed,” Tyler started, his eyes shifting to Josh’s then, “But you aren’t the moon anymore, the moon has sunk and all that’s left is a starless sky.”

Josh was speechless for a moment, his voice barely above a whisper when he finally spoke up.

“At least I wasn’t the one who sat on a statue just to avenge a dead sister.”

The words were a low blow, brutal, uncalled for, but they were said and there was no taking them back. In that moment, Josh didn’t even regret it. Tyler nodded once, a small smile on his face.

“Knew you couldn’t have been as great as I thought you were,” Tyler whispered, his smile growing before he laughed at himself, “Fucking great, Tyler.”

He turned and left then, leaving Josh standing there by himself. Tyler was almost out of the cemetery before he heard Josh shout at him.

“I never fucking cared about you anyway!”

~~~

Tyler skipped school the next day.

He would have lied to his mom about being sick, making up an excuse about throwing up but he didn’t really need it.

The very thought of going to school and sitting for an hour in the same room as Josh was enough to have him in the bathroom and bent over the toilet.

~~~

The excuse only got him so far and then he’d have to face Josh. School was important and there wasn’t any other way around it.

He forced himself to get ready, to get to school.

It was harder than he’d thought, the handle to his classroom almost burning his skin. He knew it was a sign, to turn and run from the building to stay as far away from Josh as he could but of course, Tyler ignored it.

He stepped into class and ignored the sad eyes that were trained on him. Tyler broke though, his own eyes briefly going to Josh’s, the sadness and regret there was enough to break Tyler’s facade that he was okay.

“Tyler,” Josh whispered as he walked by and the broken way his voice sounded made Tyler want to throw up again but he ignored it and sat down, resting his head on his desk and ignoring the feel of eyes on him.

It wasn’t that easy to ignore Josh though, especially when he was on a mission to talk.

“Tyler,” Josh called in the hallway, catching up to Tyler with ease and walking next to him. Tyler bit his lip to keep himself from answering, his eyes never leaving the spot in front of him. He knew he couldn’t give in this early.

“You’ve got to understand, I didn’t mean that,” Josh explained and his voice gave away his sincerity, Tyler knew that he wasn’t lying but the words had still stung anyway.

“Josh, you can’t just say that fucking shit to me and expect that you can apologize and have it go away, I told you that shit because I trusted you, then you turn around and use it to insult me?” Tyler asked, anger building, the anger that should have been there two nights before.

“Fuck, I know, I’m sorry. You just surprised me, okay? It’s not an excuse for how I behaved but I wasn’t expecting you to say that, I just freaked out,” Josh explained, hurriedly trying to fix what he’d destroyed.

“You’re a butcher with a smile,” Tyler mumbled, looking over to Josh who only raised an eyebrow in confusion, “Might as well cut me farther.”

Josh stopped for a moment, his mind processing the words.

“So you’ll forgive me?” Josh asked, his hands fluttering over Tyler for a moment before he dropped them, unsure of the boundaries that may have been set about what was appropriate now.

“Yes, but, don’t expect to have my full trust, you fucked up,” Tyler said, looking over to Josh who seemed so sad by the words but he nodded anyway, a small smile on his face that didn’t reach his eyes.

~~~  
  


They met in the cemetery again that night, keeping a fair distance from each other. Josh’s eyes kept flicking over to the statue, a look of guilt drawing over his face every time he did, looking back to Tyler and the sadness in his face was almost pitiful.

“Come here,” Tyler finally whispered, opening his arms in a welcoming gesture.

“You sure?” Josh asked, his voice so small and weak, Tyler almost smiled that Josh was being careful.

“Wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t want it.”

Josh gave a small smile before he crawled over to where Tyler was, burying his face into Tyler’s shoulder. The comfort that Tyler provided in that small embrace was enough to make Josh think that things were okay between them.

“I don’t want to march here anymore, I realized that this line is dead, so I’ll follow you instead,” Tyler hummed softly, Josh’s interest growing. He pulled back and looked Tyler in the eyes, a small smile on his face.

“That’s cute,” he whispered, not recognizing the lyrics or tune, wondering if it was one of Tyler’s. Tyler held up a finger, cringing for just a moment at the word ‘cute’.

“So then you put me back in my place, so I might start another day. And once again, I will be in a march to the sea.”

Josh’s smile fell as his mind registered what they lyrics were saying.

“Tyler,” he whispered, reaching out and cupping Tyler’s cheek, Tyler moved away from the hand, his eyes falling to the grass.

“Have you ever noticed that things change when you squint your eyes?” Tyler asked, the topic changing so suddenly that it left Josh confused.

“What?” Josh asked, sitting back and watching Tyler, concerned at how dark the last lyrics were and the new topics seemingly random start.

“I’ve never understood it, why everything I adore changes when I squint my eyes,” Tyler paused and squinted his eyes as he stared at Josh. What he saw was vaguely creepy.

The shadows that presented themselves because of the low light in the cemetery left the squinted at version of Josh almost sunken, sickly looking. The way Josh had knitted his eyebrows together in confusion left him looking mad, the anger reflecting what Tyler had seen just a couple of nights ago.

“Have you ever done that?” Tyler asked, shifting his position until the image he saw was almost completely covered by his eyelashes, the blurry form of Josh just looked black, empty.

“When just enough light comes from just the right side,” Tyler said with a small laugh, opening his eyes and looking at Josh, his smile growing as he noticed the evident concern on Josh’s face.

“You know, the situation's becoming dire and my treehouse is on fire but for some reason I smell gas on my hands.”

“Treehouse, there isn’t a treehouse,” Josh mumbled, looking around him to find what Tyler might be talking about, he stopped after a moment, realizing the flow and rhyme of the words, that they were all lyrics to a song. He turned back to Tyler, the soft smile on his face, the way that the smile seemed so wrong for the look in his eyes.

“Tyler, what do you mean by treehouse?” Josh asked frantically, wondering if the situation was meant to represent life, the fire, Josh shook his head and hoped he was wrong.

“Sorry,” Tyler mumbled, the smile falling until his face was blank, “I’m just tired and thinking over some new rhymes.”

The smile on his face was so innocent and sweet that Josh couldn’t find it in himself to argue with it. He simply nodded his head and followed into whatever topic Tyler had started, it seemed lighter than the previous one.

~~~

They both showed up the next night and things seemed back to normal. Tyler curled up into Josh’s side and whispered sweet words and Josh let it happen, letting himself forget the odd way that Tyler had behaved, let himself forget the way that he’d made Tyler cry. He focused on how Tyler smiled and placed soft kisses on Josh’s cheek.

Things were okay, they were okay.

**  
** At least that’s what Josh let himself believe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol, id say that the next chapter would be better but its not
> 
> also i didnt really edit this or go over the details so woops


	9. \\

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh realized he should have kept his mouth shut

“I did mean it, what I said the other day,” Tyler said quietly, pressing into Josh further. The grass below them was damp and cold. Josh was the only warmth Tyler could find, although, truthfull, neither of them were complaining.

“That’s good, I never doubted it,” Josh answered, looking at the boy who laid next to him. He watched as Tyler avoided eye contact, turning his head down as his eyes grew sad.

“Tyler, stop,” Josh had to fix his mistake, “I know I was a dick to you the other night and I’m sorry. You’re not just a fuckbuddy to me. I care about you a lot,” Josh told him with more than a hint of desperation. Tyler nodded once, his body visibly relaxing.

Things between them weren’t as good as they had been. Josh knew the only one at fault was him, and he couldn’t stop blaming himself. He knew that it was on him to fix this but he didn’t know how.

“I spend every night freezing my ass off for you,” he said playfully, smiling. Tyler nodded, a small smile on his face, his eyes briefly looking up at Josh.

“You know, I wasn’t sure that I wanted to give you tools that could destroy my heart but it seems like you’ve found those on your own. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad yet,” Tyler confessed, playing with his fingers nervously.

Josh was silent with the new information, letting the words sink in about the power he had over Tyler, but not only that, the trust Tyler had in him despite everything.

“Can I tell you something?” Josh asked quietly, biting his lip because he was nervous. He knew that it had to be said, sooner rather than later, but he knew that it would still hurt Tyler.

Tyler looked up, eyebrows scrunching together.

“Of course you can,” Tyler said, sitting up and crossing his lips, watching as Josh mimicked him, resting his hands in his lap and looking down, not once making eye contact with Tyler.

“Remember when you told me about why you protected your sister's grave?” Josh asked quietly, choking over the last two words as his fear grew.

“Yeah,” Tyler said, crossing his arms over his chest. This topic wasn’t a happy one, it never was and Tyler knew that this wouldn’t end well, for him or for Josh.

“Well, I was there.”

Josh didn’t elaborate. He stopped speaking, leaving Tyler reeling. Tyler tried to put the pieces together, but he was lacking most of the puzzle, and it was more confusing and frustrating than knowing everything.

“What?” Tyler asked, finding it hard to keep the residual anger out of his tone. Josh seemed to shrink at Tyler’s voice, maybe from fear of upsetting Tyler again or from guilt.

“Tyler, I didn’t, that wasn’t me, okay?” Josh said quickly, looking up to Tyler to find him stone faced and looking over at his sister’s grave. It wasn’t hard to see that he’d messed up again.

“Look, I was there, yeah, but I didn’t do anything. I stood in the back and tried to get them to leave but they thought it was funny. I didn’t do anything to your sister or anyone else,” Josh explained, frantic to get Tyler to look at him and see the sincerity in his words.

“Fuck, Tyler, I didn’t,” Josh stopped when Tyler finally looked at him. He was emotionless. His eyes were frighteningly empty and it left Josh feeling cold and alone.

There was a silence that lasted far too long for Josh’s taste, Tyler never breaking eye contact. He watched Josh, waited for him to say something again but decided that Josh wasn’t going to open his mouth.

Tyler stood, brushing himself off for a moment before he looked down and met Josh’s eyes, met the sadness that was there. He looked at the pain that was there and then he looked into himself, at the empty numbness that was there. It hit him suddenly, that he couldn’t anymore, that this wasn’t working, that Josh was too much and too little all at once.

“Wh-what?” Josh asked quietly.

“A kitchen sink to me is not a kitchen sink to you, okay, friend?” Tyler spat, feeling the anger and sadness fill him.

He turned and left after that, slowly walking away from Josh and from his sister.

Maybe tonight, he’d see his sister again.

~~~

Josh sat in the grass, his eyes watering and a tear falling down his cheek. He had never felt worse than this in his life. He didn’t know that it had been that big of a mistake, he really hadn’t done anything and he only felt that Tyler should know. Maybe it was just too soon after yelling at Tyler over his sister.

Josh sat for another moment, a chill running through his body.

The last thing Tyler had said to him was stuck in his mind, it was an odd in the way that Josh didn’t understand. He thought that if Tyler wanted him to hurt then he would have made it easy and plain to hurt Josh.

Slowly everything started to make sense.

  
Josh remembered Tyler’s story of his sister and what the kitchen sink had meant to him.

He remembered what Tyler had said. It was scary to think how easily Josh could picture it, even though he hadn’t been there. A boy with a tear stained face and steady hands, letting the pills clatter down the drain. Then almost five years later, a little girl’s blood turning the water pink.

Hope and death, those were the things that Tyler associated with the kitchen sink.

Josh choked over a quiet sob that forced the air from his lungs, left his skin feeling dirty and wrong.

He’d fucked up worse now than he had last time.

“Shit, fuck,” Josh mumbled, pushing himself off the ground and running out of the cemetery. He’d never been to Tyler’s house but knew the area he was in, knew that there was a ‘Joseph Home’ sign out front.

He turned down a few streets, going back and retracing his steps, frantically looking for Tyler’s house. Josh spotted it across the street, all of the lights were off inside except the main hallway. There was no way to be sure if Tyler was home or if he was asleep or where he was but Josh had to try. He sprinted up to the door, depressing the doorbell a couple of times and waiting, no sound coming from inside the house.

Josh cursed under his breath when no one answered.

He tried the door and found it unlocked. Josh stepped inside and called out for Tyler, hoping that no one would charge at him with a bat for intruding.

“Tyler, please answer, where are you?” Josh asked again, slowly moving through the house in the direction he thought the kitchen would be.

The walls were lined with photos of a happy family, a mother and a father and two boys were in almost every photo, Tyler only occasionally popping up. The photos where he did he didn’t seem quite as happy as the others, the smile never reaching Tyler’s eyes. Josh’s eyes scanned the photos, wishing there was one where grief didn’t touch Tyler’s features.

“Tyler,” Josh called again as he stepped into the kitchen, looking around the room. What he found hurt him more than anything.

The kitchen sink had blood on it, dripping down the cabinets, the rest of the scene concealed by the island in the middle. Josh stepped around it and found Tyler on the floor, slumped over his own body, a small pool of blood forming around him.

“Fuck,” Josh mumbled as he kneeled down beside Tyler, not bothering to try to avoid the blood.

He gently rolled Tyler onto his back, the source of the bleeding was easy to spot. Two thick lines that ran up part of his forearm. Josh’s heart sank so fast, his stomach flying up into his throat.

“No, no, no,” Josh mumbled, looking around and finding a couple of used dishrags. He grabbed them and wrapped one each around Tyler’s arms, putting pressure on them as much as he could. Everything he did was useless though, Tyler was bleeding out and unconscious and Josh wanted to scream because it was all his fault.

Josh rearranged Tyler’s arms so they rested against his body, holding what pressure he could. He scooped Tyler up and carried him back to the cemetery where his car waited. Josh set Tyler down gently in the passenger seat, once again arranging his arms so that there was enough pressure, or as much as possible. There was still blood everywhere, staining Josh’s clothes and Tyler’s, something that was bound to leave stains in his car. Josh couldn’t be bothered by it though.

He jumped into his car and started down the road. He pressed a few buttons on his radio, remembering that it was broken and he groaned.

“Sorry, Tyler,” he said, trying to fill the silence, “I know you hate the silence but I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

He was frustrated with himself, with what he’d done, with everything and anything. Josh was so caught up in his head that he sped through a pothole, the car jolting and Tyler’s arms shifting, his palm facing up and the pressure letting up off of the cut.

“Fuck,” Josh mumbled, looking over for a moment as best he could while driving.

“I’ll avoid the holes from now on, okay? Wouldn’t want to disturb you,” Josh said, almost as if things were normal, as if Tyler was fine and they were just going on a road trip.

But they weren’t. There was nothing fine about this. Tyler was bleeding out in Josh’s car. Josh thought wildly that if he died there, the cemetery would have a new Death haunting it by morning.

~~~

It took longer than he’d wanted to get to the hospital.

He rushed around his car once parked and pulled Tyler out gently, kicking the door closed as he carried Tyler, hating the way Tyler’s head lolled with each step he took, his limp limbs dangling where Josh couldn’t hold them.

The emergency room doors opened for Josh and shocked gasps were made when eyes turned to him. A couple of the nurses that were walking through froze, unprepared for what they saw before they hurried over, asking questions quickly. Josh blanked, just begging over and over for them to save Tyler.

It was hard to let go of Tyler, even when the stretcher was brought out and doctors were surrounding him. They asked Josh to lay him down and Josh wanted to, knew it would help, but he squeezed tighter at the thought that what if this was the last time he saw Tyler, what if there was no more apologies, no more second chances, not even a chance to have Tyler hate him.

They pried Tyler’s limp body from Josh and took him to the back, leaving Josh standing in the waiting room with blood and tears.

~~~

Eventually a woman came up to Josh and shook him awake. She smiled sadly and helped Josh up, helping him walk instead to the exit rather than the rooms in the back where Tyler was.

“He’s fine, Josh, go home and sleep,” she said and Josh recognized her face from the photos as Tyler’s mother.

“But, can’t I see him?” Josh said, his voice shaking as he felt tears start to form. She shook her head and continued to usher him out of the building.

“Family only, I’ll let you know when you can come back?” She offered and Josh nodded, finding it useless to argue.

~~~

Josh sat in his car, staring blankly at the passenger seat, the soft shine of the blood on the seat, the metallic smell that he wouldn’t ever be able to get out of his head.

**  
** “Fuck!” Josh yelled at nothing. He slammed his fist against the dashboard and then he was crying. Pressing his forehead against the steering wheel, Josh heaved sobs, all too aware of the blood plastering his clothes to his skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have nothing to say to you.


	10. --

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An end to the pain

Josh sat on stage, his drums in front and around him, the crowd on the floor screaming the lyrics of his band back at him. He’d never felt prouder.

“Can I say something?” He mouthed and the singer nodded, tossing the microphone over. He hopped down from his platform and sat down near the edge of the stage, taking in a deep breath.

“Hey, everyone,” he started, waiting for the screaming to die down, “I’m gonna need you all to be real quiet for a minute, think you can manage?” There was a few laughs before it became silent, the occasional shuffle but no voices.

“I’m sure you all know me as the fantastic drummer of Twenty One Pilots but, there’s more to me, you know?” The crowd waited in silence, a few phones held up above all the heads.

“I’ve dreamed of being in this spot since I was a kid, it’s been something I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember. Tyler and I talked about it one time, he actually came up with the name. It had such great meaning to him. The way he talked about things back then, it was beautiful. He was passionate about so many things, his eyes lighting up when he got interested, this giant smile on his face. It’s my favorite thing to see. If you told us that back then we’d be on stage then we would have laughed and called you an idiot. Now that I’m here, now that I am doing everything that I’d wanted in my life, I just wanted you all to know how thankful I am.”

Josh looked up at the lights as the crowd clapped, squinting into it as he tried to make out something beyond the bright lights.

“Look at us,” Josh said, whispering now, “We did it, Tyler.”

Josh stood up and handed the microphone back to Brendon, the singer of Twenty One Pilots, who pulled Josh into a quick hug.

“If Tyler was here he’d be so proud of you,” Brendon whispered into Josh’s ear, keeping the microphone at his side.

**  
** “I know,” Josh answered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, please, please, leave me a comment and let me know your thoughts?
> 
> Thank you again for being here with me!

**Author's Note:**

> Apologies are sent out to any and all who made it this far, I'll update within the next couple of days. I highly appreciate kudos and comments. Please validate me.


End file.
